Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook

This will be the very last book you ever read. Because after you have read this book, you, Good Sir, will know how to be a pro athlete. And pro athletes don't need books. Or strong family bonds. Or any of that stupid crap. Not when they have ready access to millions of dollars and scores of smoking hot chicks with questionable judgment.

This book will be all you require to cast aside your boring life as some jackass who cruises around bookstores hoping to score grad-school trim. With Men with Balls, you will learn how to:



Showboat using classical pantomime techniques
Figure out whether or not a stripper actually fancies you
Emotionally cope from the emotional fallout of rookie year hazing games
Find out which free locker room amphetamines will give you a shot of energy, and which will cause you to run down terrified schoolchildren with your Escalade (NOTE: Some do both)
Avoid media scrutiny by directing beat writers and columnists to the nearest hot buffet
So grab your balls, bookboy. You're about to become a home-run hitting, steroid-injecting, angry-orgy-having Turbostud. They're gonna need a whole ocean just to wash your jock.

Drew Magary is the co-founder of the website Kissing Suzy Kolber and a columnist for Deadspin.com. He's also a writer for SmithGifford, an ad agency in Falls Church, VA. Though never a pro athlete himself, he has spent over 30 years carefully observing athletes from afar, often while eating Ruffles.