讀《讀者文摘》學英文：軍中幽默(英漢對照)（簡體書）

《讀<讀者文摘>學英文：軍中幽默》是市面上唯一一本專講軍營生活的笑話書，軍事迷們絕不容錯過！
獨家引進英文原版版權，軍事專家傾情翻譯，英語迷們絕不容錯過！
笑破肚皮的美國大兵故事，笑掉大牙的原創插畫，漫迷們絕對不容錯過！

《雙語譯林?讀<讀者文摘>學英文:軍中幽默(中英雙語對照)》是市面上唯一一本專講軍營生活的笑話書，軍事迷們絕不容錯過！獨家引進英文原版版權，軍事專家傾情翻譯，英語迷們絕不容錯過！笑破肚皮的美國大兵故事，笑掉大牙的原創插畫，漫迷們絕對不容錯過！

Introduction
Life in the military is no picnic. The U.S. services—Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, and National Guard—all require strict discipline in a rigid hierarchy. The training is diabolically tough, and that’s just the beginning. The pay isn’t much, and living conditions can be primitive.
Assignments can be harsh. Baghdad, for example, routinely hits 120°F on summer days. Parts of Afghanistan are snowed in for most of the winter. Missions are often not only dangerous but potentially lethal. On the other hand, when duties are not life-threatening, they can be mind-numbingly tedious.
So, how do our military men and women survive? We think a well-developed sense of humor is a key to their equanimity. It lets these put-upon heroes relieve their tensions with laughter.
All of the anecdotes in this book were sent to Reader’s Digest by men and women of the U.S. military and their families. There are more than 500 separate stories of contemporary life in uniform— with its contradictions, its foibles, and its ridiculous mixups and misunderstandings. We applaud these all-too-human people who are able to laugh at themselves while still bravely defending our country.
—THE EDITORS
引 言
在軍營生活可不是件輕松的事。美國軍隊（陸軍、海軍、海軍陸戰隊、空軍、海岸警衛隊，以及國民警衛隊）都有森嚴等級制度下的嚴格紀律。魔鬼似的訓練很殘酷，但這僅僅是開始。美國軍人的收入不高，生活條件可以用艱苦來形容。
軍人被派往的地區有時很艱苦。拿巴格達來說，夏天的溫度往往高達華氏120度。阿富汗部分地區在冬天的大多數時候則會被冰雪覆蓋。危險的任務是家常便飯，有時甚至是致命的。另一些情況下，有些軍人的職責并不危及生命，可他們的生活卻又是極乏味的。
那么，我們的軍人們又是怎么生存下來的呢？我們認為高度的幽默感是他們保持平靜的關鍵因素。正是因為有了幽默感，這些做出了犧牲的英雄們才能以歡笑減輕他們的壓力。
本書所有的小故事都是由美國軍人及其家庭提供給《讀者文摘》的。總共有超過五百則獨立的當代軍營生活小故事。這些故事可能自相矛盾，可能有這樣那樣的瑕疵，也有可能存在著荒謬的混淆及誤解。但在這里讓我們為這些人性化的有血有肉的軍人們，為他們能夠在自我嘲笑的同時英勇保衛祖國而喝彩吧。
——編者

Basic Training
★ A Word to the Wise ★ Meeting Expectations
入伍訓練
★ 一點即通★ 不負眾望
With his squad at attention, my father’s drill sergeant began inspecting their rifles. Grabbing one soldier’s M-1, he peered down the barrel only to be stared back at by a spider. “Two demerits,” yelled the sergeant. “Why two?” asked the private. “One for keeping an unclean weapon,” said the sergeant. “And one for keeping an unauthorized pet.”
—KATHLEEN SHEEHY
我父親所在的班列好隊，由訓練教官一一檢查他們的步槍。當教官抓過一支步槍，瞇著眼從槍管往里看時，發現里面有只蜘蛛正瞪著他呢！“記過兩次！”教官咆哮道。“為什么是兩次？”那位列兵不解地問。“一次是因為武器沒有保持整潔，另一次是因為未經允許飼養寵物！”教官答道。
——凱瑟琳?希伊

If he wasn’t already aware of the dangers inherent in military life, things became pretty clear for my son with one look at his Marine boot camp itinerary. On one of the first days, Bayonet Techniques was scheduled for the morning. Following that: Beginning First Aid.
—TOMMY SISSON
即使我兒子事先不了解從軍生涯中的種種危險，但只要他看一眼他在海軍陸戰隊的新兵訓練安排就非常清楚了。在開頭幾天的訓練中，有一個上午被用來練習拼刺刀；而隨后的課程就是—急救訓練！
——湯米?西森

“All you idiots, fall out!” shouted the sergeant at the soldiers standing in formation. As the rest of the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention. The sergeant stalked over and raised a single eyebrow. The private grinned.
“Sure was a lot of them, huh, sir?”
—MATTHEW HAWORTH
軍士對著列隊的士兵吼道：“白癡們，解散！”隊伍中的其他人都散開后，軍士發現一位士兵依然保持立正的姿勢。他踱到這位士兵的身邊，不解地蹙起眉。這位列兵咧嘴笑道：“還真有不少白癡呢，是吧，長官？”
——馬修?霍沃思

Basic training for new Army recruits includes small arms instruction. One enlistee goes out to practice on the rifle range, where he fires 99 shots, missing the target every time. “You are the worst rifleman I’ve ever seen!” says his drill instructor. “What were you in civilian life?” “I repaired telephones,” replies the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see ...” He gives his rifle the once-over, checks it again, and finally a third time. Then he places his hand in front of the muzzle, pulls the trigger—and blows off the tip of his finger. “Well, that answers that,” says the phone guy, in obvious pain. “The bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end.”
—SOURCE UNKNOWN
新入伍的陸軍士兵的基礎訓練中包括學習輕武器的使用。一位新兵在靶場練習，打了99 發子彈卻無一命中！教官對他說：“你算是我見過的最糟糕的步槍射手了！你入伍前是做什么的？”“我是修電話機的。”這位新兵答道，“我不知道為什么我打不中。讓我看看……”他把步槍顛來倒去地檢查了幾遍。然后他把一只手放在槍口前端，扣動了扳機—子彈削到了他的指尖。這位修電話的家伙忍著痛，說道：“好，這就說明了問題所在：子彈從這一端出發是正常的，出問題的一定是另一端！”
——佚名

“Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news,” said our platoon sergeant during our morning lineup. “First, the good news. Private Tomkins will be setting the pace on our run.” The platoon began to hoot and holler, since the overweight Tomkins was the slowest guy in the group. “Now the bad news. Private Tomkins will be driving a truck.”
—RICK STOVER
早晨列隊的時候，排副對我們說：“先生們，今天我有好消息，也有壞消息。先說好消息：今天跑步訓練的領跑者是列兵湯姆金斯。”隊伍于是開始興奮起來，因為體重超重的湯姆金斯是全排跑得最慢的家伙！但接著排副說道：“現在說壞消息：列兵湯姆金斯將駕駛一輛卡車領跑！”
——里克?斯托弗