Comic History of England

From the glad whinny of the first unicorn down to the tip end of the nineteenth century, thehistory of Great Britain has been dear to her descendants in every land, 'neath every sky.But to write a truthful and honest history of any country the historian should, that he mayavoid overpraise and silly and mawkish sentiment, reside in a foreign country, or be sosituated that he may put on a false moustache and get away as soon as the advance copieshave been sent to the printers.The writer of these pages, though of British descent, will, in what he may say, guardcarefully against permitting that fact to swerve him for one swift moment from the right.England even before Christ, as now, was a sort of money centre, and thither came thePhoenicians and the Carthaginians for their tin. Illustration: THE DISCOVERY OF TIN IN BRITAIN.] Illustration: CAESAR CROSSING THE CHANNEL.]These early Britons were suitable only to act as ancestors. Aside from that, they had nogood points. They dwelt in mud huts thatched with straw. They had no currency and noventilation, -no drafts, in other words. Their boats were made of wicker-work plasteredwith clay. Their swords were made of tin alloyed with copper, and after a brief skirmish, the entire army had to fall back and straighten its blades.They also had short spears made with a rawhide string attached, so that the deadly weaponcould be jerked back again. To spear an enemy with one of these harpoons, and then, afterplaying him for half an hour or so, to land him and finish him up with a tin sword, constituted one of the most reliable boons peculiar to that strange people. Illustration: CAESAR TREATING WITH THE BRITONS.]Caesar first came to Great Britain on account of a bilious attack. On the way across thechannel a violent storm came up. The great emperor and pantata believed he was drowning, so that in an instant's time everything throughout his whole lifetime recurred tohim as he went down, -especially his breakfast.Purchasing a four-in-hand of docked unicorns, and much improved in health, he returnedto Rome.Agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people, and where now the glorious fieldsof splendid pale and billowy oatmeal may be seen interspersed with every kind of domesticand imported fertilizer in cunning little hillocks just bursting forth into fragrance by theroadside, then the vast island was a quaking swamp or covered by impervious forests ofgigantic trees, up which with coarse and shameless glee would scamper the nobility.(Excuse the rhythm into which I may now and then drop as the plot develops.-AUTHOR.)Caesar later on made more invasions: one of them for the purpose of returning his teamand flogging a Druid with whom he had disagreed religiously on a former trip. (He had alsobought his team of the Druid.)The Druids were the sheriffs, priests, judges, chiefs of police, plumbers, and justices of thepeace. Illustration: PLOUGHING 51 B.C.]They practically ran the place, and no one could be a Druid who could not pass a civilservice examination. Illustration: DRUID SACRIFICES.]They believed in human sacrifice, and often of a bright spring morning could have beenseen going out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who disagreed with them on somereligious point or other.The Druids largely lived in the woods in summer and in debt during the winter. Theyworshipped almost everything that had been left out overnight, and their motto was,"Never do anything unless you feel like it very much indeed."Caesar was a broad man from a religious point of view, and favored bringing the Druidsbefore the grand jury. For uttering such sentiments as these the Druids declared his life tobe forfeit, and set one of their number to settle also with him after morning services thequestion as to the matter of immersion and sound mo